Episode 206

The Dark Side of Control

Published on: 17th July, 2026

Do you get grippy, anxious, or self-critical when life doesn’t go the way you planned? In this Secret Sangha episode, I explore the paradox and dark side of control—sparked by what happened at a private dinner after my Tell the Truth Salon event with Dan Siegel. Drawing on Dan’s ABC motivational systems (agency, belonging, certainty), we unpack how control spirals show up as rumination, self-blame, people-pleasing, or criticism. I also share how one question at dinner revealed that many pivotal moments in our lives come when control is ripped away.

Listen and learn:

  • The ABC systems behind your control habits: agency, belonging, and certainty
  • Common “dark side” control strategies (inner focus, outer focus, and push-pull)
  • What’s not up to you (others’ actions, happiness, thoughts/feelings, outcomes) and what is (your actions and response)
  • The Wise Effort method: get curious, sort what you can/can’t control, and focus your energy

If this episode helps, share it with someone who’s stuck in a control loop.

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    The Wise Effort Show
    The Science and Practice of Putting Your Energy Where It Matters Most
    The Wise Effort Show with Dr. Diana Hill is a show about how to live wisely.

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    About your host

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    Diana Hill

    Diana Hill, PhD is a clinical psychologist, international trainer and sought-out speaker on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and compassion. Host of the podcast Wise Effort with Dr. Diana Hill and author of The Self-Compassion Daily Journal, The ACT Daily Journal, and the upcoming book Wise Effort, Diana works with organizations and individuals to develop psychological flexibility so that they can grow fulfilling and impactful lives.

    Integrating her over 20 years of meditation experience with yoga and psychological training, Diana guest teaches at InsightLA, Blue Spirit Costa Rica, PESI, Praxis Continuing Education, Yoga Soup and Insight Timer Meditation. She is on the board for the Institute for Better Health, and blogs for Psychology Today and Mindful.org. Diana practices what she preaches in her daily life as a mom of two boys and bee guardian. Go to drdianahill.com or her channels on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube (@drdianahill) to learn more.